lit 2 (voice)

it's funny. i used to think that writing often created my narrative voice. however, on the contrary, it's definately reading. lately, as suggested by laurean, i have been into the Order of the Phoenix. yes, i was a little embarassed to pick it up out of the kids section. and yes, i feel funny being a grown ass man carrying around a harry potter book. but still, it's good literature.

while i'm at it, let me run off a few things i'm embarassed about getting into: sex and the city, girlfriends, spongebob squarepants, fairly oddparents, american idol (finale), america's next top model, and if i didn't live in new york (where the movie ticket prices are just too damn much) - curious george. but go to hell, it's good writing. it's entertainment in an era where it's few and far between.

at any rate. i find that, after reading for an extensive peroid of time, which i like to do, i tend to narrarate my actions throughout the day. for instance, when i came back to atlanta this past weekend, i didn't think to myself, "it's so cool that i'm back home." no, i thought to myself...

as he slowly stepped off the plane, he was instantly bathed in a warmth he had not felt in months. he embraced it. he adored it. the coldness of the north melted off of him like an ice cube at room temperature. it was slow and deliberate. it was almost as if the freeze did not want to let him go. he took pleasure in this thought; for as much as the bitter chill held to him, it did not matter. each step through the taxi of the airplane was another step closer to home. the warmth that now served as a blanket over his body was too much for the coldness. it was too much for the bitter chill of the north. it was a welcome unlike no other. a welcome only a place like home could give.

don't get me wrong, i'm no writer. but i am aspiring. and the more i write, and the more effort i give, and the more criticism i recieve, the better i will become. so i'll finish this book. and then the next installment of Stephen King's Dark Tower series (i'm at IV). and by then, i'm sure someone will recommend the next big thing. after that, i will pen the next short story. i haven't completed one in a year. i'm eager for that.

have a nice day.

venus 2

um, i guess nevermind. scratch venus #1. i mean, everything i said was true, sortof, but in the grand scheme of things, it may very well be irrelevent. You, the one i was talking to that didn't think it was them, everything is ok. not that we have communicated at all, or have even established the fact that i based my stupidity on the conundrm of your actions (or lack thereof). but rather, it's cool for the sake of it just being cool. just because descent is relative. just because some riddles are best left unsolved. i was talking to a good friend of mine (whad up l-dot, see you this weekend!) and said, "distance makes one's view objective". not hindsight. hindsight is based on memory, and includes hopes, disappointments, and the results of set expectations. hindsight includes emotion. hindsight includes bias and prejudice. hindsight, looking back, is only 20/20 only because one is now wearing the glasses of knowledge, but not wisdom. they are looking through the shades of awareness, but have not understanding. they are looking through the binoculars of cognition, but have not gained perception. hindsight, you see, is the act of looking back knowing now what you wish you had known then, but it does not equip you with the comprehension to analyze the situation in and of itself.

it's like looking back and seeing that you dropped something, and not having sense enough to determine whether or not to go pick it up.

distance makes one's view objective because it allows you to see a situation for what it is, and not necessarily what it is to you personally. and that makes a big difference. because where a personal attachment to a situation is important, and needed, decisions cannot be based on that alone. one must remove themselves from the emotion, from the bias, from the hopes, disapppointments, joys, hurts, laughter, tears, and expectations in order to look at it in it's fullest sense and analyze it correctly. sometimes we have to step back to look at the whole. hell, sometimes we have to step back just to remind ourselves how close we really were. you can't tell what something is when you're right up on it. we all have to step back and make it objective. make it not only equitable, but also empirical. yeah, i'm playing with my thesaurus right now.

so, because it's late, and i have to go to bed, i just want to say...it's alright. for anyone that reads this blog and feels it, for anyone that was nodding their head while reading the previous paragraphs, for anyone that understands what i'm talking about - even if they had to read it twice to catch it all; for anyone out there that feels me...it's alright. it's not easy. it's not quick. and it's not comfortable. but it is alright. you're doing fine.

have a nice day.

venus

i am a stupid, stupid man.

but i guess most men are huh. i mean, nevermind the reason as to why i think i'm stupid. that's a justification that will probably change from this hour to the next. but in the grand scheme of things, why are men so fucking dumb. what makes us immune to common sense? this isn't to say that women have all their pigeons on the telephone line either, but when it comes to certain issues, it's just that men aren't that bright. no, i take that back. men are bright on everything - except women. and that's only because women are difficult to figure out.

and there we go, epiphany for the day. nothing long or drawn out. and i don't care if you think i'm generalizing or not. i am. let's save yourself an argument. after spending the last year with 6th graders, i think i can say it just as my young men put it, "girls are dumb mr. wilborn". there ya go guys. and we're dumb for trying to figure out the dumbness.

you think i'm trippin? huh??! then you go and try to figure out a man that's trying to figure out a woman. how about that.

again, this isn't necessarily saying anything about why i'm dumb, i'm just making a valid line of reasoning here. i tend to over-analyze situations. and if you think i'm talking about you in particular, i am. yes you. don't say "he's not talking about me". no heffa, i'm talking directly to you. you. you. you. you. you.

i will drive myself absolutely crazy trying to figure out the intricacies in your head. but i can't stop doing it because i am a stupid, stupid man. stupid for trying. stupid for failing. and stupid for acknowledging that i'm stupid and being content with such for the sake of understanding i will never attain.

(inhale)

there! if this blogging isn't good for anything but a pseudo venting session, then that's fine by me. if anyone else needs to let a little something out, help yourself to a comment below.

have a nice day.

cinema guy

i just saw the preview for x-men: the last stand, and i must say that i'm a little aroused. i mean, the movie can actually suck and it still be decent as long as it has the parts from the trailer in it. in my opinion. i must also acknowledge that my favorite old person right now is ian mckellen. from what i hear, he's the lnoy person holding it down in da vinci movie, and in all the x-mens, i feel he is an excellenet magneto - and on top of that, who would dare fuck with Gandolf the white. yes, i think i love Ian McKellen, so much so that i chose to capatilize his name just now. i don't even give that priviledge to the beginning of my sentences. while i'm on the topic of other movies, i others that i dearly await are "pirates of the carribean 2", "cars", "the break-up", "monster house", "clerks 2", "my super ex-girlfriend", and "you, me, and dupree". they say i should be excited about "snakes on a plane", but i think i may leave the last slot open for "click" instead. don't get me wrong, i love same jackson just as much as the next guy, but every now and then, sam likes to fuck with hollywood's pockets. we'll see, a movie from that list may very well get dropped, just like MI3 and Vinci.

i think that's all i have to say about that.

moreso a sheperd

i don't know if and when you read this blog, but screw you lenny. moreso is a word, several people have used it in the last week. no, not mo-res-o. moreso. more-so. you, and others like you, that have told me that's it's not a word, have messed up my whole lexicon. i hesitate everytime i say, write, type, or want to utilize it in any sense. true, it's not in this good Apple dictionary right now, but what does a Mac know anyway (except how to take my money in Soho and make me press F9 all day because it looks cool).

anyway, i sit here now because i need the rest. i need the off day. i have had a reat weekend up to this point (saturday night) and i don't want to mess it up. in all honesty, this night was reserved for "the da vinci code", but i heard from 7 different people that it's a bigger disappointment than tevin cambell's career. for those that are not familiar with tevin cambell though, picutre walking up to a gorgeous human being in the club, only to start up a conversation and their breath smells like rat shit, to the point where it makes you want to vomit. like, you gag. that's how bad i heard the da vinci code movie is. gagging rat shit breath-tevin cambell career bad.

ah, so much for high hopes.

so i am sitting here, making the conscious decision to make it a apartment night. taking care of my "to do" list, writing a blog, watching a movie (probably "the grudge"), and ordering something i can induldge in. maybe papa johns' "the works", or some breakfast. i dunno. it's 9pm, the night's young and i've had a 3 hour nap.

why so tired though? well, it's been a long week. we've beeen taking the kids (my students) on a few more field trips as it moves into the end of the year. we've been on four this semester alone, and will probably go on four more by the end of june. yeah, these kids don't get out of school unti l he end of june. ridiculous. one thing that i've noticed though, is that a teachers job (which includes everything from disciplinarian, counselor, educator, confidant, and mentor) also includes being a sheperd. you see, in all truth, i can't equate it to anything else. walking in the streets of new york with 90 12-year olds, is an act of sheperding. 4 teachers and 90 kids. we have to get them in line, have them accounted for, and walk. this is new york, we've walked and subwayed to all but one field trip.

friday we went to go see hoot. we lined the kids up. i like mine to be on the buddy system, though i can't remember what movie that was from. you know, the one where the lifegaurd is a jerk, and someone asks, aren't you supposed to be watching the kids in the lake, and he says, as he stops reading the newspaper, "i am, their on the buddy system..." then he screams "BUDDY!", and the kids scream back "BUDDYYYYY!" granted, if they have their buddy. i like the buddy system actually. so, friday morning, we get in our two-by-two buddy lines and start for the subway. the movies isn't far, but still you have to be careful with kids dragging behind or getting snatched. snatching is all bad. we make it to the subway, from the subway to the train, from the train to the movies, where the teachers get in line and pay. are the kids alright standing on the side of the movie building - "Buddy!", "BUDDYYYY!" - "Buddy!", "BUDDYYYYYYYYY!!" cool, they're alright.

as we're paying for the tickets though, two sketchy old men are standing by asking questions about the kids. one is much older and had a grey (or gray) beard down to his chest. he asked what movie the hundred children are about to see, and i tell him "hoot, you know, we're studying environmental issues". he laughs and walks away. the other lingers a while though. this one looks as though he might be about mid to late-30's, dressed in a dirty army fatigue jacket, some dark blue pants with bleach stains on them, and a brown dingy cap that made me think of deep georgia rednecks. he smelled like a wolve. not that i know what a wolve smells like, but it can't be much different. he starts asking about the kids, and their movie and all that, and i just stare at him and try to rush him off. and i thought he went away until i saw him in line at the concession stand while the kids were getting their drinks and popcorn.

so needless to say, i followed him to his movie to make sure i knew where the hell HE was supposed to be. and needlesser to say, i only saw 15 minutes of the movie due to the fact that i followed every kid that left to go to the bathroom or went back to the concession stand. from those 15 minutes, Hoot seemed to be an alright movie. probably better than The Da Vinci Code.

and who knows, i might have even saved a kid's life.

the picture you see is here is of me watching over the kids as they played and ate lunch at Union Square Park. i would put up the pics of the kids, but i'm not a fan of posting 12-year-old's pictures on the internet. no matter how innocent, especially on a public website, and especially being the kids of my job. family reunions and stuff like that are another issue.

we made it back save and had all of our kids accounted four, which is always good. they weren't angels, but they were good. they represented the school well, and even MORESO represented themselves well. i mean, they're 6th graders, of course they're going to digress away from the teachers and huddle together to secretly discuss the rules of freeze tag. what else are they going to do.

and as the sheperd, i have to know, and expect, the behavior of the flock. excuse that which is excusable, and discipline that which is not. all for the sake of the sheep. that way, we have no casualites, no accidents, and no disppointments. it's just plain consideration. but try and tell that to ron howard.

red and blues

i was just sitting here, playing my harmonica (which is very soul stirring), and i thought to myself, hey, i'm really expressiing myself through a creative outlet.

and after writing that line, I want to play again.

i'll be back in a second.

the valley

"as i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil, for thou art with me" Psalm 23:4

i will try not to make this a sermon of any type, however, i feel the need to share this with those that happen to come across this blog. God is good. and i have witnessed his grace and mercy in a way that i never really thought of before. and in witnessing such, i thought of the verse above, one that i never really ponderd before. why would one be in the "valley of the shadow of death"? when you really think about it, why would one literally walk through the "valley of the shadow of death"? other versions of the bible, such as the new living translation and the new century version, refer to the valley as being dark, or even the darkest. and versions such as "the message" even refer to it as Death Valley. a valley, in it's very essence, is defined as being a low point; and more specifically, a low point surrounded by high points - hills and plains most often times surround valleys. why, why, why, would one consider walking through the darkest, deepest, lowest point they could find, not only associated with death, but also relative to the other high hills and plains around it? why would one walk through Death Valley?

my recent experiences have brought me to no answer to this enigma. and to be perfectly honesty, i doubt David, the author of this particular scripture knew either. however, what i am sure of, is that despite the utter lunacy, and stupidity needed to intentionally walk through the valley, we all, at some point or another, do just that. we see and identify the deep, dark, death valley, and we acknowledge the hills and plains that surround it, and we know that death may very well await us as we enter, but yet, we still walk through! knowing we can take the high road, knowing we can avert the path, knowing that we have the option of taking the safer route, we still walk through! knowing we may injure ourselves, knowing we may injure others, knowing that it may result in hurt, pain, suffering, strive; knowing that it may result in physical, mental, or spiritual death - we still walk through!!

the valley of the shadow of death.

i don't have to recall or account for recent experiences of mine. nor do any readers of this blog have to comment on recent or past experiences of theirs. but, if i can be vauge, i found myself in a position were i knew God was not with me. I was confident that he was not present, sure that he had not followed me into that which i knew was wrong. i was sure of it. i was torn apart. and asi knew he would not follow me into the depths of the valley, i still went. i still walked through. i walked through hoping that i could make it on my own. i walked through hoping that i could save myself if need be. knowing that i serve an omnipresent God, i was sure he was there, i was sure he was somewhat present, maybe looking down, or maybe looking from afar. but regardless of where he was, or where he could have been, i was grounded in what i knew to be fact - wherever he was, he wasn't with me.

and i failed. and i was lost. and i couldn't do anything about it.

and so, hesitantly, i prayed. i prayed because there was nothing else to do. initially, i just prayed an apology, hoping God could hear me. then, i really prayed for a way out. i prayed for a solution. i prayed for help. and to my surprise, he answered.

it's quite amazing when you think about it. how God is still there when he shouldn't be. i can't wrap my mind around it. i can't understand it for the life of me. how does God still protect us when we know we're doing wrong? how does God still bring us through when we should be left behind? how does God still support us after we've defied him, still standing for us after we've turned our back? David made the point of saying that he walks through the valley of the shadow of death. he didn't say he was placed there, he didn't day they he happened to find himself forlorn in the realm of death. on the contrary, he walked through. he had to acknowlesdge that the hills were safer, though more difficult. he had to acknowledge that the plains were safer, though more vast. he chose to walk though the valley. just as we choose to walk through the valley.

but, my God, even though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, thou art still with us. and what an awesome comfort that is. what an excellent thought that is to share.

fighting the weather

a friend of mine just got "broken up with". as of now, i believe he's out fighting for the relationship. determined, he exclaimed to me, "i'm not going to let her leave me, i'm not going to let her go".

and it's interesting. it's interesting on a personal level because i've been having all types of relationship questions on my mind as of lately. initially i blamed it on the weather - you know, the new heat, women wearing less, more people holding hands and going out in public kissing all on each other - that kind of stuff. the kind of stuff that makes you wonder about your own personal life and whether it measures up to the spring flings that you see on the street.

but with further observation, blaming the weather is a scapegoat.

it's convenient, blaming the weather, or anything else for that matter. it may just be me. the questions running through my head all point to different things, but upon further inspection may be pointing to the same concept. you see, the very same thing my friend is going through, i've been debating in my own mind. when does one fight for their relationship, verses letting it go? when is it time to leave in the first place, verses toughing it out? when is it appropriate to move on? and then, move on to what? the same? someone totally different? should the next be a fling? or something genuine? real? potential? how long should one spend by themselves, reflecting on stupid relationship questions when they should really be out on the town with their homeboys? how does one know what he or she is doing is right, verses wrong? how do we know we're following destiny verses fighting it? how do we make decisions concerning our heart when we don't understand ourselves?

today i've watched serendipity, followed by elizabethtown. both by myself. and then i got this disturbing news about my friend. bear with me. i'm really trying to rap my head around this. a while ago, i mentioned that i had never really been alone the way i have for the last few months. so now, i'm wrestling with the idea that it may be time for something to happen. but what? i don't know if i want to move forward or backward. i don't know whether i want to be serious or casual. and to be perfectly honest, i don't know if i even want to make a move at all.

i just know how i want to feel.

as a sidenote here, did you know that the term "scapegoat" is of biblical reference? i sure didn't. it turns out that the term refers to a goat that was sent out into the wilderness after the Jewish chief priest had symbolically laid the sins of the people upon it. check Leviticus.

and so, though my focus on schoolwork, job, and organization has greatly increased, i am confident that i can't leave well enough alone. we'll see. as for my friend. i dunno. i hope the best for him and his situation. maybe the fight will work out for him in the end. maybe that's all any relationship ever needs - a reason to fight. a reminder of what you have and the passion needed to sustain it.

but considering that will just start up a whole new bunch of questions.

lit.

it's book season.

as i was sitting here trying to convey the thought of "learning when to shut the fuck up", i read over my blog and was unsatisfied. not that i didn't get my point across, but it wasn't to my expectations. then, reading over the last blogs i've written (with the exception of two that i really like), i found myself nuetral to my actual writing style. i asked myself whether i've had too much on my plate to write what's on my mind, or whether it was something i ate in april that wasn't sitting well in may. i was clueless.

but just a minute ago, it dawned on me.

i haven't read a good book since "angels and demons", which i completed about two months ago. this isn't to say that i'm an avid reader, but in the same breath, i had gotten quite well at picking up a book. so much so, that i had started to become a recommender - actually having conversations about books with fellow friends and colleages. which is amazing to me being that i wasn't much the novel reader in high school and only kinda one in college (outside from english major requirements). but it makes sense though; i've been yearning for a good book.

recent conversations with laurean (shoutout) have provoked the idea even more. i recently put her onto "the kite runner", and she has been urging me to pick up "harry potter: order of the phoenix", which she swears on several religous text is only surpassed by it's squeal "the half-blood prince".

i must also attribute viridian sun for further provoking this thought. i dig her narratives. i like her stories. and why not? people love a good story. people read good stories. i mean, thank you, i've gotten compliments on just my writing voice in general, but it's the story that really shines in any format or text. if told right, a story can live on for ages.

while i'm at it let me also shout it out to steelpeach, jaj, kjm, and l-dot for just giving me that good input (whether you realize it or not). bloglove.

so with that said, i guess i'm out to pick up "harry potter - order of the phoenix" next week. i'll be selling into the hype. if anyone has any other good reads, holla at me.

have a nice day.

finals over

this is where i've been spending my time lately.

www.geocities.com/wilborn310/frame.html

our assignment was to create a website from scratch using html. yes, there are a number of programs that can create a webiste easy as pie; however, i have found that there's nothing quite like buidling it yourself. i believe this website got an A. i presented it to the class last night and it went over fairly well. grad school isn't so bad. you just have to break-up with sleep, hygene, and freedom.

so...final's over. two more classes down. two and a half week break, then hopping back on it again.

(insert something relatively profound here)

extra pickles

ok, i went to adultfriendfinder.com.

i don't know why. some friends of mine were talking about it and i didn't believe them. i didn't believe that there was a "facebook" out there for people just looking for sex. i didn't believe that there was a "myspace" on the web for people who enjoy candlewax and spankings to find each other and go have tea. i didn't want to swallow that concept. i dind't want to believe it was so.

and then, upon viewing it a moment ago, i thought to myself, "why wouldn't there be one?" and really, why would i even assume that there wouldn't be a website geared towards satisfying the sexual needs of strangers. and not prostitution. no. these are people meeting up and exchanging informaiton for the sole purposes of a sexual relationship. it was probably one of the first websites. i can't imagine how hard it is to find a woman that's into camel fucking in your average starbucks or local supermarket. and networking is cool, but how do you come at a friend of yours and ask them if they have any male friends that's into foodplay with a focus on vegetables.

sexual preferences. we try to hide from it. we really do. we try to make it a personal matter that cannot be shared until a certain level of trust is attained. we try to keep it a private secret that can only be shared with the most inimate of lovers - or the most unintimate of strangers. for clarity's sake, i am not talking about sexual preference as it pertains to if one likes men or women; but rather, how one likes sex to be done, or performed, or practiced. i am literally speaking of how one prefers his/her sex.

isn't it logical enough? is it not fundamental? is it so far fetched that something on such a basic level of humanity should have a vasr variety of preferences?? hell, some people like their burgers with extra pickles, while others like their's with nothing but meat and bread. and it's that simple.

to go back to my point though, my lightbulb of the day is that, it seems that these basic preferences are so private, that people go to vast extents to attain them without risking the threat it poses to their everyday life. and although that sounds like a whopping statement to make, give it some thought. think of the statistics you've heard of married men that sneak out to be with random dudes or children. think of the stories you've heard where a woman cheats on her "good guy" boyfriend to get fucked by the thug. think of those addicted to pornography, strip clubs, and prostitution. the rumors of housewives that love getting gangbanged, the highschool history teachers preying on virgins, the politicians and their S&M interns.

i mean, come on, you know the stories.

these secret sex preferences are hidden and practiced in such a way where those involved and just get up and walk away. no consequences, no repercussions. the next day, the housewife is cooking breakfast, the schoolteacher is in the classroom, and the politician is doing some random interview with the reporter he came on the night before. in my new opinion, relationships are rarely formed with sexual fantasies in mind, and so people often shortcut to shit like adultfriendfinder.com and meet up with a tranny who has a thing for lemon wedges and ziploc bags - a person they could have just as well met a flea market...right?

so focused

in a lesson about fossil fuels and the environment, a hand raises...

kevin: "mr. wilborn, if a person passes gas in your face you'll die."
class: laughter
mr. wilborn: "sigh"
kevin: "no, really! i heard if someone farts in your face and you take it right in that you'll die."
class: more laughter
mr. wilborn: "alright class..."
tony (in all sincerity): "yeah, cmon ya'll stop laughin. this is serious...we're talking about death here!!"

and there i was, dooped into thinking that he was about to tell the class to pay attention to the lesson. thank you tony, for reminding me that 6th graders are 6th graders, and i should expect nothing more and nothing less.

epilouge: sadly enough, at tony's comment, the class actually quiets down in somber respect of the issue.

just another day.

thoughts of more

i've rewritten this blog three times. i just can't concentrate. i can't focus. there's so much on my mind. and i don't know what to do about it. some of it is clutter, cleaned only to be replaced by more clutter. but other things on my mind are genuinely heavy. and i can only carry them alone. until i sort them out. until i understand what exactly what i'm facing. until i understand exactly how i feel. i know this doesn't sound like it makes sense, and for all intents and purposes, it's not supposed to for you. this is mine.

and so, as i sit here contemplating my actions of the day and my actions to come, i can only watch helplessly as my mind drifts to thoughts of more. thoughts of future mixed with thoughts of past, and mere notions of present situations. ideals shape my goals of happiness, yet despair clouds my dreams. doubt walks with me when i feel God does not, and vice befriends me when i feel i have none. however, irony concludes that this is not so much rejected as it is hesitantly embraced. a paradox in it's very essence, there is no sorrow in the belly of the whale, but a odd sense of peace. that which i hope to attain is unattainable for the sole reason being that i am content with it unfulfilled. and hence, i am objectively forlorn.

i have lost something that i know i need to find. it's just. i dunno.. it's just that it's more than one thing. and it's like, i know where i need to be in life, i know where i want and expect myself to be at this point in my life. i see it. i see it plain as day. i just don't know how to get to it. i don't know how to get to where i want to be, without losing that which i currently have, which isn't much, relatively speaking.

i'm sorry. it's complicated, and thus, it's vauge. but i believe now, that every person reaches a crossroads, not only in which they must decide who they are going to be, but also realize that they have the power to be whomever they choose.

...

it's the job?

i promise, lately i've been acting like a 12 year old boy.