taste the soup

over christmas break, my momma fed me medicine.

so with that said, let me tell you women something. if you got a man, and you want to keep thatman, you'll do well to know that when he's sick, he turns into a 3 month old baby. how do i know? because i go the whole house sick, including my year-old nephew.

and i have to admit, while he was sick, he was great. he just sat there, too sick to move or get into anything. he just laid around, looking adorably lax and doped-up.

but i was sitting right there with him. me, the baby, and my brother...all three of us sick. and my momma and sister took care of us.

i don't care how sexist it sounds!! listen - or be a lonely, prideful, stubborn scallywag!!! if your man is sick, and he's laying around half-dead, take care of his baby ass! we will leave a woman for not feeding up chicken soup while we're sick. shit, at least fix the soup. taste the soup to see it's too hot or something!! you've got to. we'll take nothing less.

it's either that or deal with it later. you're gonna need something.

goodbye facebook

yes, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. and rather than go through a number of examples to validate my point, allow me to just skip to my initial topic. i recently said goodbye to the growing online phenomenon known simply as "facebook". facebook, for those of you who might now know, is an online community that taps into the network of college undergrads and alums. validated only by valid college email accounts, you end up with a web of young professionals (kinda), who can browse for other people within and outside their own university. i think thats just about it in a nutshell. since it's conception though, there have been a number of little extras that have made facebook more and more addictive. and thus, arguably speaking, someone has successfully created the strongest college network known today.

so one can easily understand why i had to leave, right?

i mean, yeah, i was hooked onto facebook too. i created little photo albums and left funny messages on peoples walls and created a quirky profile and everything. i did it. and so did everyone else. hell, most of the traffic for this blogsite is due to the link put up on my facebook page. but in all honesty though, how much is too much?

for me, "too much" is when a website like facebook becomes an issue in my relationships with other poeple. when dudes get offended that i didn't add them as a friend, when they know and i know that we hardly even know each other. when women get upset because i didn't agree to the additional detail that we dated, because i don't count study partners as girlfriends. and when i get insulted by the fact that i send someone a message and they don't respond, and i clearly see that they have recently updated their profile. it's just too much. shit, i told someone that i deactivated my facebook account and their response was "woah, what made you do something that drastic!" what the fuck??! canceling an account with a networking website should be labeled as a "drastic" life change. killing your wife is a drastic life change. becoming a homosexual at the age of 67 is a drastic life change. having a baby with a haitian prosititute is a drastic life change. leaving "facebook"...who cares?

no one should, but thats not the case. since i've deactivated my account, a number of people have called me asking if i have blocked them. they were worried that they might have done something wrong or might have unintentionally offended me in some way. its really a sad state of affairs. but to its credit though, it is an great website. and of all the reasons that i possibly could have to leave, i am the main reason. i go and look at who's in who's picture, and who signed who's wall. and i allowed tags and comments that probably shouldn't have been there, and left some information out about myself that probably should have been there. i let facebook become an issue in my relationships with other people. or better yet, i might have even encouraged it.

so, just like strip clubs, smoking, and charmin tissue paper, i have to take a break from facebook for a while. i got addictied, like so many others. but, over time i have learned that additions aren't good for me. i just don't do well with addictions. and it always seems like i'm addicted to something. i wonder what i will get hooked onto next.

logging out

sometimes i look at a situation and say, "man, fuck this".

is that just me?

where's silent night?

people are just plain, fucking, overwhelming busy right now. everybody. from trashmen to lawyers. from santa to satan. from teacers to students. from east to south. everybody is just, way busy. shit! but why?!

is it just me? isn't eveyone going crazy? and whats weird is that it's not that there is an abundance of things to do, or that everyone is walking any faster or something. its just that there is a certain atmosphere about the present time that makes it seem that everyone is occupied with an agenda or goal in which they must accomplish or they will die a horrible, horrible death. and chances are - whatever it is we are doing - we can all afford to relax.

believe it or not.

it's quite ridiculous. and no...i will not succumb to blaming it on "holiday bustle", i won't. i will not stoop low enough to admit that people are going crazy during this time of year. i will admit that stores are having more sales. i will admit that my students are wriggling in their seats. i will admit that i have grown over-affectionate and "over-attracted" to the opposite sex (especially those in santa costumes, i love that). but i WILL NOT blame this feeling of frenzy on Jesus' birthday!

there has to be another reason. isn' there? is it the presidential address? is it the release of the excellent movie King Kong? is it announcement that Elton John and his boo are doing their "marrying ritual thingy"? what is it? the winter olympics? a new celebrity porn tape? did we discover a new fucking star light years away? come on! what do we, as americans, get excited about?? what makes the front page and gets us all wound up to the point that all of us are crazy?

are we losing our minds because the colts lost their first game this season? or because donald trump hired a black guy? or because "daisy does america" isn't living up to the TBS hype? what the fuck??

yes, i'm swearing alot today! blame the release of Oprahs favorite episodeson dvd. thats big news.

Morgan Freeman calls Black History Month ‘ridiculous’
Chelios, 43, heads U.S. Olympic hockey team
'Apprentice' winner refuses to share title
Ex-Mafia boss Vincent Gigante dies in prison
Bush says leaking spy program a ‘shameful act’
Popular heartburn drugs linked to diarrhea
The bulls are pawing and snorting
When humans and chimps split
Ailing Bo Bice cancels award-show appearance
‘Fish with chips’ touted as key to seas
Scottsdale's Valley Ho hoping to restake its claim on glitterati
Mammoth DNA could spark resurrection

These are our headlines. Are these the reasons why we are gong crazy in America right now. Is this why we are all so stir crazy and "busy"? Is this where our focus lies? Is this where we center our attention? On controversy and petty entertainment hoopla?

Not that i know where our attention should lie. i mean, hell, i watch the same news as you.

going to bed now

i was just speaking to cuzn wes on the phone and happened to come by "the truman show" playing on TBS. i then made the comment, "wow, wes, can you imagine your entire world being fake, and then one day, literally coming to the end of it only to step into another reality?" and then wes replied, "yeah, isn't that what Christianity is all about??"

i just thought i'd share that.

as for the movies i wanted to talk about. i don't anymore. sorry, thats just the nature of the beast. this is free-writing, i'm not obligated to write about anything that i don't want to.

i am tired though. as i often am when i finally make my way to bed each night. when did we get like this? when did adulthood sneak up on our youthfulness? i remember a time when i used to fight sleep. when my parents couldn't get me to bed without a shot of scotch and a boiled egg. and now, i leave work for the sole purposes of going to bed. as a matter of fact, i'd go as far to say that i probably wouldn't even leave work if my bed wasn't at home. i haveto eat differently now that i'm conscious that food affects my mood. i have to carry myself differently now that i'm conscious that i live in the country as the people i work with. i have to give a damn, where most of my life i have not.

adulthood is like a fucking thief in the night.

but it had to be that way though. i'm not mad. who would willingly accept adulthood in its entirety. yeah, we would love to just accept the right to boss kids around, make our own decisions, live outside of parental rule, come in when we want, and spend money how we choose...but at the end of the day, we are still victims of restriction. thats life. and when i get older, i'll realize that i was never really trying to break free from the parental rule and confines of youth. no, on the contrary, i will soon realize that, my entire life, i've been trying to break free from the same restrictions that hold me back now. i still can't stay out as late as i want, i still have to eat my fucking veggies, i still have to go to bed early.

that's life.

and one can only break away from life one time (that i know of) and that's all. personally, i'm not ready to make that leap. but when i'm old and fed up of the restriction bullshit, i'll just let go and die.

have a nice day.

i started this, then got sleepy

it's been a very long week for movies. allow me to do a rundown...tomorrow.

the puzzle piece

credit this blog to a recent conversation between cuzn corey and myself, listening to too much john legend, and the coming of christmas - a season of warmth, love, candles, sweat, and kittens.

i have often viewed my life as a jigsaw puzzle. although, when things get rough, i think of it moreso as a tetris board, but thats another blog. but as a jigsaw puzzle, there are a number of tiny little cardboard pieces that fit with one another perfectly to create the image that is my existence on this earth. and individually, you can't make out what the hell it is. taken one facet at a time, one cannot depict the meaning of his or her own life. how? how can one define their life simply based on their job, or their hobby, or their family. no, each peice makes up the whole. each and every piece, significant or seemingly not, makes up a person as an individual. from how one ties their shoes, to how they cook their eggs. from the music they listen to, to how they prefer to have sex. everything makes us who we are. and until the day we die, we are simply adding more and more pieces to the puzzle.

when my younger brother and i were younger, we would love to do jigsaw puzzles. he was always better. we would split them up into different sections. the pieces that had one particular color were in one pile, while the other bunch might have the ones that had a mixture of colors. on bunch may be the ones with certain lighting a significant way, while another bunch may be the pile of end pieces. nevertheless, we created jigsaw puzzles from piles. and he would always finish his pile first, then come and help me with mine. i envied him for that. later in life, now in days, he still does jigsaw puzzles and does them damn well.
but i digress, the point i was trying to make was that many people have puzzle pieces put into bunches. puzzle bunches related to religion, money, family, romance, etc. but i think that there is one puzzle piece that is special. this puzzle piece is the one that is the most difficult to figure out. it's the puzzle piece that everyone tries to find in the bunch to match that other puzzle piece that is equally as difficult to figure out. is that a curve or a straight line? is that a corner or a curve? it doesn't matter the puzzle, pick any damn jigsaw puzzle. there are two pieces that no one can easily figure out. and very few people find them together. most will only know that they're are two weird pieces because they found the first one. and then, logically, if there is one really odd piece in the puzzle, there has to be another that fits with it.

often, we search for that puzzle piece in our lives. that piece that is equally as silly, or strict. that piece that is equally as forgetful, or just as organized. or we may believe in the complimentary piece. the piece that adds humor when everything else is so serious. the piece that brings color when everything is so bland. the piece that makes us smile when we don't want to, and cry when we thought everything was alright. we search and search for that piece. and some people, like corey and myself, may even disregard the rest of the puzzle looking for that piece. looking for the completion of that odd cut or curve.

and yet, sometimes we, as people, get too eager. we get too eager to find that unique piece so that we can focus on the rest of the puzzle. and then, we think we find it - all of a sudden, turned over and hidden under the box. the color is about the same as the first piece and the cut is just about right. if only we force it in and get that milliliter of space in there. if only we twist this edge and pull this spot back, the two pieces match! and then we think that it's not our fault we had to force it. the puzzle makers made a mistake. this is the one. this is the right piece. it has to be the right piece; there are no other pieces that it could possibly be! so it's left there, and then we're content enough to go back to the puzzle.

until the wrong piece that we put there shows up missing somewhere else.

all i'm saying is that life is a big puzzle laying in front of us to be put together. from the day we're born to the day we die. and if we spend the entire time looking for one puzzle piece, then we'll never get to finish the puzzle. life will have no image, no definition, no meaning. we have to work on our puzzle, in its entirety. and though it gets frustrating, it pays off. because when most of the pieces are together, and everything is in its proper bunch, and your younger brother is speeding through the rest of the puzzle - there, by itself, is a puzzle piece that is unique and beautiful, waiting to be put in the puzzle with the other piece just like it.

hollywood and christmas

if you ever want to NOT like Christmas - be alone for the holidays and watch Love Actually.

bastards.

hbcu didn't have me

in hindsight, i didn't find myself at morehouse college. and this isn't to say that it wasn't an excellent school. it was. it is. and it is growing to be even better as time goes on.

but...

to repeat myself, i didn't find myself there. by that, i mean that i see the bonds and experiences and lives that have been born and nurtured in the atmosphere of hbcu. i see the frendships and the brotherhood/sisterhood that was manifested in the hisorically black community. i see that. i see that now just as i saw that then. i see the frats and the secret societies and the freshman dorm cliques and the party hoppers and the city representers. i hear the party stories, the romance gossip, the political whispers, the cultural rallies, the spoken word artists, and the religious orators. i see that and hear that now. just as i saw it and heard it then.

i've been out of morehouse for six months now. and i still see and hear all of this. i am constantly reminded of the spiritual bond that should have taken place; hence, i am constanly reminded that it didn't. it just didn't. i do not share the same excitement as my peers about homecoming. or going back for graduation. or going to the alumni parties. or tapping into the hbcu network here in NY. and the worst thing about it is that i don't know why.

i made friends in the AUC (spelman, clark, and mo-b), and i love them all dearly. i formed brotherships (if that's a word) at morehouse, and i'd die for those guys. i would. maybe not a horrific death - but i'd take a bullet. i have made alot of friends over my time at undergrad and enjoy seeing them and being in heir company. i like hanging around the school and riding by to see how things have changed. i'll even go as far to say that morehouse has influenced my life and the man i am and am growing to become.

but i didn't find myself there.

sometimes thats frustrating because alot of brothers did find themselves there. alot of sisters found themselves at spelman. overall, i believe, alot of African American young adults find themselves at hbcu's. they find that group that they belong to, causes to believe in, and movements they can contribute to. on an even grander scale, young adults in general tend to find themselves in college. or at least find out that they won't discover themselves there and transfer, or drop-out, or get married. after four years and a diploma, the only thing that i've found out though, is that i'm not where i thought i was going to be.

and so i search. different cities. different jobs. different experiences.
until i come across the right combination to make me feel whole.

how does someone find completion? how do we find ourselves?

the best failure day

failure, after failure, after failure, after failure.

it's been that type of day.

it's been the type of day where i think of everything i should have done way after i can change what i did. today is the type of day that i was thankful for the losses that didn't end in brain damage or death. today i didn't have my thoughts straight, my mind right, my words correct, or my perception intact. and i was conscious of the fact that it was an off day - all day long!

if there was ever a day i believed in zodiac, astrology, psychic crap, it would be today.

(inhale) i woke up this morning without the alarm clock, only to roll back over and sleep through my alarm. waking up late, i tried to take a quick 6-minute shower, only to burn myself with the water when i stepped in. then, getting dressed, my shirt was dirtier than i thought it was, my pants were more wrinkled than i thought they were, and i grabbed the wrong belt. later in the day, this would result in me picking lent off my shirt all afternoon, being self-conscious about my jeans, and pulling my pants up every five minutes because my belt was too big. then, after getting dressed, i walked to the train station (a ten minute walk) and realized i forgot my MetroCard. So I had to pay for a temporary one; only the machine didn't read my credit card and i had to use debit. and that wouldn't have been so bad, but when i checked my account later, i found that it charged me twice for the one card i recieved. (exhale)

(inhale) when i got to school, i figured everything would be better because i had the first two periods off - planning periods. i took the time to set up my new overhead projector screen. yet, when setting up the actual overhead projector, the bulb blew out. then the entire projector stopped working. and it was working just 5 minutes before! thats when i realized that i hadn't had breakfast. having a taste for a bagel and crean cheese, i walked across the street. no bagel. no cream cheese. having a taste for some cheesesticks, i walked up the street to the fast food chinese store. not open. no cheesesticks. i then walked up another two blocks so that i could get three packs of handi-snacks and a bottle of water. it should have cost 1.75. i had to pay 2.50. (exhale)

this is just 9:30am.

(inhale) i get back and use the rest of my planning period to actually plan for my classes. i took a good dump right before my first class of the day and things finally started looking up. at the start of thrid period though, i recieved news that the student i've been working with (and have been making alot of progress with) has been suspended for kicking another student in the back in front of a secrurity gaurd. and to add to all the strangeness, my classes (which are usually bouncing off the walls on fridays) were actually good. i don't understand! after school i stick around for a few minutes to get my class in order. those few minutes turned into a procrastinated 3 hours. in which case everything that i needed to do - i did in the last 13 minutes i was there. frustrated, i pack my bag, head to the bar to meet the teachers and order some hot wings. the wings came an hour later. (exhale)

(last inhale) end of the night. i leave the bar and get on the train three blocks away. 20 min into my trip home, i realize that i left my bag at the bar. fuck it. i get home and grab the last two discs (6 & 7) of Lost to watch with Lady Mo back at her place (15 minutes away). then, when i get to her place (at 10pm) i realize that i grabbed the wrongs dics. i grabbed Crash, and the last disc of Lost, which we can't watch until we see the one before it. i say it's alright, and go to print off a "free rental" coupon on my blockbuster online account. and as it comes out the printer, we discover that she doesn't have any more ink. (breathe out)

so here i sit. at Lady Mo's. she's watching Oprah with her roommate. i'm typing on a blogsite - which i can't get to work with my old template, so i had to change it to what it is now. a somber blue something.

but it's my best failure day. because despite everything, it's really been a pretty good day. i feel great. frustrated here and there, but i feel great. so, to hell with what happened today. i thank God that it hasn't affected my being. shit happens. and today life happened to have the runs.

yeah, today, life had mudbutt.

so what do you do when life has mudbutt?? i'll tell you. you wipe. eat some applesauce. drink plenty of water. and watch some tv.

have a nicer day.