screenplay

i've always considered myself to be a movie buff, and as such, people have often asked why i haven't pursued something in entertainment. possibly a film critic, or acting. the truth is, i don't watch every movie that comes out, and i tried the acting thing - let's just say that it's not really for me.

yet, at 3 in the morning, i think i have settled on a career i may take up if i were to fancy the idea of the film industry. i would soley want to be a writer. be it a television show, movie, whatever. if i were to go my own path and venture off into tinseltown, i would have 3 scripts in my hand and $20 in my back pocket. hell, i moved to new york city with less.

that only leaves me to ponder how many people may actually be in hollywood with scripts galore in their pocket. that worries me. yet, at the same time, it doesn't. all anyone ever needs in this country is an idea. granted, knowing the right people and having a mountain of cash helps speed things up, but in the long run, an idea is an idea. and that's all we need these days.

am i going to work on a script now? of course not. hell, i've yet to buy the guitar i said i was gonna get a year ago. one thing at a time. sheesh. not to mention the book i said i was gonna write. (part of this realization is the admittance that i was only going to write a book so that it could become widely popular and be turned into a movie)...who knows.

each day i become more and more eager to learn what will become of me. i'm eager to learn what will happen when i come across something that will be my life. my entire life. i mean, i am a teacher, and i like being a teacher. and if i become a good teacher, and live to be a teacher forever, then i'm pleased. but i believe there's more. i believe i have some unimaginable gift that i have yet to uncover, that i have yet to fully tap. and the more i search for it, the closer i know i'm getting. i feel it everywhere. in everything i do. in everything i see. in every aspect of my life, i extract some meaning that's not there, some sign that can't possibly be meant for me...and i interpret it as a glowing marker that i'm close now. i'm getting closer and closer to the essense of my life. no, wait, "getting" is not the right word. i'm growing closer. and though that's not what i mean to say, it feels better saying it that way. it feels more appropriate. i'm growing towards my destiny, my fate, my KA. and with that, my anticipation grows, and i may even get excited at random intervals during the day.

how can i even express this?

it's more than just thinking about writing a tv show. that's not it. i don't know what it is. and it's coming in such a way that i know i'm not going to know until it's here. it's pakaged that way. as if i pakaged it myself, and then extracted it from my on damned memory. but i can't shake the feeling. it overcomes me often now. writing the last 8 lines or so, for instance, flowed from my fingers effortlessly, and relentlessly rapid. the words came out from force as if they were pinned up in the palms of my hands for days. not knowing what it was they were to write about, but just the notion of writing about that which my very soul craves - the being which i am to become. that which i am to be delivered to. it's...it's...i know what to describe it as, but i'm hesitant to say.

about a year ago, i had a dream that i was slowly walking up a staircase of fire. and with every step i took the fire followed me. it grew. and it consumed everything that lay in the path behind. i did not look back. nor did i look up. i just looked directly ahead, at each step as it came to me. but even then, i wasn't looking at the step. i was distant, as if my mind were elsewhere, thinking. and as i thought, i walked. slowly. deliberately. with the wild, red flames blzing on both sides of me. i walked and walked, and though i was going nowhere i could see, i felt extremely pleased walking. it felt like it was what i was supposed to be doing. it felt like it had purpose. it felt like it had meaning. it was powerful.

and once again, i start talking about one thing, and it leads to another. so, i guess, saying all this to say, um...i should buy that guitar.