situational behavior

in a recent road trip, i deviated from my group and found myself in a drunken stupor wandering around wilmington, north carolina. it was a long week.

but in such, i found a story to tell. for one, i have come to the conclusion that there is at least one object, event, or action that, when witnessed, reverts a given adult to the child they once were. at least one. one thing that makes one drop every ounce of responsibility and maturity for a certain instance, and turns them into the child of their past. that occurrence for me is fireworks. from the first pop, to the last explosion, i am a 4-year-old boy, gaping at the sky with my mouth open, occasionally mouthing the word "wow" silently as the bombs burst in the air. the 4th of july is steadily becoming one of my favorite holidays. yet, it has only come to my realization these last few years. for some reason, i never ventured out to Stone Mountain or Lenox Mall to see the fireworks in Georgia; however, in spending my last 3 Independence Day's in the north, there are fireworks around every corner. it would be hard to miss them even if i tried. and so, with the convenience of witnessing the spectacular shows of fireworks increased, i have been privy to be turned into a toddler at least once a year around this time.

for others, it may be christmas lights. for others it may be trick-or-treating. some childhood flashes come during roadtrips, or eating at certain restaurants. but for me, hands down, it's fireworks...and maybe eating at picadilly.

so there i stood, drunk, alone, and in utter amazement and satisfaction, under a vast sky of red, white and blue flames in the air. what's more is that my cell phone had deceased over the course of the trip, so getting back with my group would prove to be a more difficult task than i initially thought, but i wasn't worried about it at the time. nor did i have much time to worry about it. soon after the fireworks were over, a fight broke out behind me. a gang of white boys and a gang of black boys had gotten into it over something or another and were going at it like arizona wolves. yet, as people were running away in droves, looking for the police, i simply stood. i don't quite remember why i was just standing, i wasn't that drunk, especially after the fireworks, but there was a certain level of strength i found in just standing. part of me wanted to go and help break it up; another part of me wanted to walk away before i caught a punch. but the vast majority of me thought it best to just stand, and watch. it was as if i were trying to talk with my action. as if i were trying to say, "shit, i'm from atlanta, i live in new york, and i'm a teacher...you call this a fight? this ain't nothin. i'm not running from this scrap, nor will i even give it the energy to try and stop it. it barely even deserves my attention." and now, reading back over the last few lines, i am sure that is what i was trying to say. hell, i even had on my shades. and i don't even wear shades.

in this sense, however, i saw the vast difference in who i presented myself to be over just a 5 minute interval. one minute, i'm a kid, looking up in the sky, oblivious to not only others around me, but even to my own image. yet, the next minute, i am 30% observant of other's behavior and 70% self-conscious of my own, in an effort to present myself in a certain light. both instances were results of events at the time and both were equally impactful on my state of mind, which makes me wonder...how often is my personality dictated by events in which i have little or no control. what percentage of my behavior is an effect of some other cause? and at that thought, how often is my behavior manipulated?

all of these thoughts have come out as they were written, hence, this is will something that i think about for the rest of the day, as i attempt to access the actions i take on my own, verses the actions i take in response to something, or someone, else.

any thoughts?