thoughts of more

i've rewritten this blog three times. i just can't concentrate. i can't focus. there's so much on my mind. and i don't know what to do about it. some of it is clutter, cleaned only to be replaced by more clutter. but other things on my mind are genuinely heavy. and i can only carry them alone. until i sort them out. until i understand what exactly what i'm facing. until i understand exactly how i feel. i know this doesn't sound like it makes sense, and for all intents and purposes, it's not supposed to for you. this is mine.

and so, as i sit here contemplating my actions of the day and my actions to come, i can only watch helplessly as my mind drifts to thoughts of more. thoughts of future mixed with thoughts of past, and mere notions of present situations. ideals shape my goals of happiness, yet despair clouds my dreams. doubt walks with me when i feel God does not, and vice befriends me when i feel i have none. however, irony concludes that this is not so much rejected as it is hesitantly embraced. a paradox in it's very essence, there is no sorrow in the belly of the whale, but a odd sense of peace. that which i hope to attain is unattainable for the sole reason being that i am content with it unfulfilled. and hence, i am objectively forlorn.

i have lost something that i know i need to find. it's just. i dunno.. it's just that it's more than one thing. and it's like, i know where i need to be in life, i know where i want and expect myself to be at this point in my life. i see it. i see it plain as day. i just don't know how to get to it. i don't know how to get to where i want to be, without losing that which i currently have, which isn't much, relatively speaking.

i'm sorry. it's complicated, and thus, it's vauge. but i believe now, that every person reaches a crossroads, not only in which they must decide who they are going to be, but also realize that they have the power to be whomever they choose.

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