what else do you want from me?

i'm at a point where i don't have anything else to offer people. a point where all i can do is throw up my hands and say, "hey, i really ain't got nothin else fo ya!" because the truth is, i can't deal with the expectations right now. i can't come through on the responsibility. i can't come through. and where i used to pride myself on being that guy that will come through, i just can't anymore. i'm tired of giving. and no, this is not to say that no one has ever given to me. i'm blessed with people in my life that will, and have, given me the world. but right now, i can't return it. right now, expect it out of me and i'll let you down real quick. for a long time, i've given alot of myself to others. now is a time that i have to give to myself.

saying all that to say that, i can't worry about "that". i can only concern myself with "this".

and i'm not the only one. i've talked to several friends that just have to take ime-out. a time to reflect. a time to grow. a time to put yourself before other people for once. i used to think that was selfish, but now i know it's necessary. other people will kill you. they will kill you emotionally, spiritually, and physically. they will drain you until you have nothing left but the remenants of good intention. they will consume you until you are filled only with the desires of those whom you have a priority. they will enpower you. other people can make you weak if you have no strength for yourself.

so what do we do. how do we handle the heavy task of dropping the burdens of others to pick up our own load? or maybe, this isn't a big a issue as i think it is. maybe this isn't a "we" thing. this may be a notion i'm catching onto late. this could be an "i" issue. what do "i" do? how do i meet my own expectations without fault? hell, how do i set them without bias?

listen, i shrug my sholders at the notion that my significance is determined by how important i am to another person, or how important another person is to me. i reject that now. i don't care for that notion. what matters most now is that i define myself to myself before i am even able to give of myself. and so, until then, i ain't got nothin else for ya.

dinner (what we know)

desent is relative. one man's fall may be another man's journey into the abyss he calls home - into the hell in which he finds comfort. chaos is only defined by the sense of structure in one's own mindframe - thus creating a bipolar entity within self. hardly acknowledged but forever present in action, reaction, subconscious and truth. what else is there? she who rises to the challenge only defines another's failure; and reaching the top only to realize that it's another valley in and of itself. it is knowledge that defeats us. cognizance of relativity that not only motivates us to strive, but simultaneously encourages us to give up. however, if we were to use this consciousness as an instrument of understanding, rather than a source of strength, we may begin to percieve that life is more than the balance of advancement and failure, but rather a gentle, fragile balance of the two. and with that, the individual may find internal peace, and the human race may be able to achieve momumental tasks never before thought imaginable.

dunch (we, too, are animals)

it's the meal between lunch and dinner, moron.

i'm in atlanta for the weekend, and it's literally hot as hell. my sister is in the AKA debutante ball. and although that may not be how it's spelled, it's as close as i care to get right now. i walked outside just now and literally had to cringe for a moment. living through a NY winter, i haven't felt heat from the sun of this magnitude in months, and humidity of this magnitude in about a year. i guess since the last time i lived in atlanta huh?

nevertheless, right now i want to address a subject that has been evident in my life as of lately. that subject is the notion of "mechanisms".

as a science teacher that doesn't like science, i often have to read from various sources in order to teach an unfamiliar topic to my 6th graders. and as a first year science teacher that doesn't like science, i find myself doing that alot. and recently, we've been covering the subject of evolution and natural selection. we've been going in depth with the process of species changing over time in order to survive. these changes can take place on the offensive, changing so that they may be able to eat certain foods, or live in a certain enviornment, or have an advantage over certain prey. and then there's the defensive, changing so that they can defend themselves from certain conditions, conceal themselves from certain predators, and even escape the reaches of mankind. adaptation. my class, over the last month or so, has been enthralled with the notion of gradual change of generations of time for the purposes of the existence of their species. self-preservation. survival of the fittest.

in my research, i thought about this topic on two levels as it peratins to our species.

on a global level, i ponder a vocabulary term we're learning called "carrying capacity". carrying capacity is the cap in which a population can grow in a given environment. it's the reason why the world isn't overrun with elephants. it's the reason why spiders that lay hundreds of eggs only really produce dozens of successful offspring. it's the notion that nature itself comes into play when a population of species reaches a point where the environment in which lives can no longer support it. and so i think about this element when we address issues of world hunger or starvation in thrid world countries. i think about this element when we talk about HIV and Aids as an epidemtic for humanity. i think aobut this vocabulary term when we speculate that the Bird Flu can be in the US in a mtter of months, if it's not here already. i think about the population of China, and how so many people talk about the diseases that are easily spread there. and with this in mind, they may have reached "carrying capacity". it could be that these diseases, though much fault lies on ourselves for their creation, may be thriving due to the over abundance of the human race.

on an individual level, i think about how we have adapted based on certain situations in our life. how we evolve to handle new situations that arise as a result of that which we have been through. i think about the mechanisms we develop in order to preserve ourselves, in order to psycologically survive. these actions are not only present in our day to day lives, but especially evident in the way we interact with people. based on previous experiences we are shy, or outgoing, or flirtatious, or sensitive. we are passive or agressive. we blend in or stand out. we talk or we listen. we use hand gestures to speak or use fluxation of voice to be heard. we use handshakes, or we hug. we call, or we don't call. we get involved, or we don't get involved. we dress up, or we dress down. we use sex to keep another person close, or use sex to keep them further away. we don't get too close with others, or get close with everyone. as individuals, we adapt. and it is evident in our interactions with ourselves. for protection. for survival.

our next lesson in science is the water cycle. i don't know if i'll see much of an light bulb there, but who knows. enjoy your weekend. i think i'm about to go for a swim in this 80 degree atlanta weather.

have a nice day.