sex and self

there is alot i want to say about two things right now, but i don't really know how to adequately express it. so, usually when i don't really know how i'm going to write about a topic, i just free-write, with no restrictions, and it just comes on out. but that usually results in a long ramble that comes together all in the end. for this though, i'm going to try to "nutshell" it. if i fail, forgive me.

sex and self

sex complicates shit. everyone has heard it. so many have experienced it. so few realize it as truth. sex makes things complicated. it creates expectation. it encourages obligation. it gives one grounds enough to assume certain aspects in a relationship that may, or may not, be there in reality - or just may not be shared by both parties. it is a significant act that means different things to different people, and thus carries mixed messages of significance. i bring this up now because of some recent conversations with colleagues and friends. and during those conversations, i realized that some of my most impactful relationships with women have come to an end, or have met some type of serious conflict soley because of the sexual aspects of the relationship. my little sister, about an hour ago, told me i should wait until marriage. and although i'm not a huge fan of admitting sound advice from one so young, she may have the right idea this time.

self complicates shit. or at least the image of ones self. on a grand scale, image is relative. and how one sees themselve is relative to what they have always known, and to what extent they know it. when that image is challenged, i have found (at least with myself) that there is a subconscious need to defend it. to prove it. in other words, i believe that people feel an internal charge to uphold who they believe themselves to be. i bring this up because someone, recently, told me that i was "serious", and couldn't really picture me ever being "silly". needless to say, i was taken aback. "what???? i'm mr. silly!" i retorted, just shy of retelling every silly thing i have ever done in my life. but, before i could, i realized something very dangerous about myself - i'm young and i'm growing. and what's dangerous about people my around my age having so much confidence in who they are is that we, as a generation, are still growing. when we get caught up in defending a constantly changing self-image, we lose focus. we get so sidetracked in identity that we forget the cause. on a grand scale, we can only defend our image as we understand to be at a given time, and even then, justify it only within the framework of our own experiences and collective consciousness.

and there you have it.

have a nice day.