exposed randomly

i was riding the subway today and saw a toddler in a stroller. she had to have been about three years old. she was adorable, holding a bag of knock-off doritos in her left hand and a small, pink care-bear barely hanging our of her right hand. she offered me her chips. i offered her my carrying case. and for a moment, we just exhanged gestures until we both laughed about it. and then that was that.

a few minutes later though, out of no where, she started laughing. and i mean, really laughing. she was flinging her arms in the air and bouncing up and down in her seat. it was out of no where. it was random. she was bursting with this sudden joy that was directed at no one and nothing. it was much different that the laughter she just displayed with me, laughter that was actually a response to something. no, this was something of an explosion of glee. and it didn't stop until she and her mother left the train a minute later. i envied it.

i envied it because i had seen it before. with my baby nephew, with the kids at church, and even now and then with my students. it's like a hidden source of bliss that is tapped at will, or exposed randomly. one that seemingly deteriorates with time, and is never fully realized until it's gone, and you see it again in the face of a child on a subway years later.

but where does it go?

so often now, we try to create and manipulate our sources of bliss and happiness. and out of such attempts, we manage to find ourselves in the mist of chaos and insanity, confusion and doubt, regret and fear. and sometimes, even pleasure.

just be like like that of a child.

we create Mardi Gras and Freaknics and ignorant Billy Ocean Beach Birthday parties. we overexaggerate New Years and Halloween and any other day of mild significance. we get credit cards, catalogs, shopping networks, and keep the receipts. we decieve boyfriends, objectivify girlfriends, and take advantage of those closest to us. we dwell in substance abuse, illegal drugs, alcohol, and sex. we find an addiction and take security in it as it provides us with the strength we need to call ourselves weak.

and yes, i say "we".

we want the thrill. we want the excitement. we want the intimacy. we want the escape. but most of all, we want the happiness. we want the happiness back. where it used to be. back where it can sprout up randomly throughout the day and be with us at night. we want our bliss back. our joy. if only because it's not where it used to be, if only it's not where it should be. if only we want it because it's not with us. we long for it. and we tend search it out, not in the places that we would probably look, but rather in the places that are most accesible to us.

i can only assume that that internal bliss is out there. or maybe still in me. the only evidence that i have of it is the smile of a child, for no apparent reason. smiling because they don't feel like frowning. i dunno, maybe we just forget. or lack the motivation. or maybe we just haven't thought about it, allowing the notion of being happy to take the back seat to the concept being successful - fooling ourselves to believe that they are one in the same. but thats another blog.

for now, i will leave, and be open to the emotion that comes up in myself, rather than searching for it elsewhere. besides, where else could it possibly be, but in me?