man on the side

"i feel in love, with a dream that i built of you, playing the part of the queen..." - john mayer

i'm listening to this song now, for the 20th time, and i realize that moving on is something i have trouble with. i mean, i don't have any problems growing, nor do i have a problem with change. but it seems as though that, however much i grow, however much things change, i hang on to the things that do, or once did, mean so much to me. especially people.

and that becomes increasingly difficult when it seems as though the very thing you can't let go of, has been able to let go of you.

i build up these images and expectations of people, and situations, and work toward them, not expecting them to have their own agendas. and by that, i mean that i work towards things that i think are stationary, when they aren't. my family, my friends, my signficant other, at ay point and time in my life, they are all moving along life just as i am. and i can't hold on to them as is, because they aren't "as is". they aren't stationary or immobile. they aren't waiting for me to call, or to return, or to knock on the door. they just aren't. and somewhere in the back of my head, i thought they would be. but the truth of the matter is that just as i grow, and just as i change...so do they.

and what of those that expect me to be there always? through their change and growth. how can i stay there for them if they have moved on without me? how can i stay on the plate as i side dish when i was once the entree?

so often, we place a selfish light on being the entree in someones life. but is that so wrong? is it careless and self-centered to want to be someone's everything just as they are everything to you? if we put 100% into our job, is it wrong to want to leave fulfilled at the end of the day, with a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction? if we put 100% into a trade or skill, is it wrong to expect to one day be great?

at the end of the day, what do we want?
consistency? love? acknowledgement? warmth?

for some, it's freedom. the chance to move on without their past. the chance to grow beyond the parameter of previous limitations. the opportunity to experience life beyond the plate, beyond the entree, to move on. in hindsight, it's remarkable how long we can hold on to people and not even know it. and it's even more remarkable when we finally realize that we want to let go, and don't know how. in either case, there is solace in the fact that at some point, one day, it'll have to end. right?

"i feel in love, with a dream that i built of you, playing the part of the queen...taking my own advice, i'm giving up tonight, good luck to you and the king..." - same person, same song.