saturday morning

so maybe i'm stupid.

it's saturday afternoon, and i haven't done a damn thing other than ensure my continued funnel trip into an eternal state of confusion and disarray. around 11am, i woke up with plans to go to work and be productive. around 1pm, still laying in the bed, surfing the internet and watching tv, i subconsciously decided to be extra productive at work on monday and to spend my now doing some things around the house. it was then i decided that i'll go do my laundry, get a haircut, shop for some new furniture and organize my room. didn't happen. it's now 4pm and my feet are cold from walking around on the hardwood floor. i haven't shaven. i haven't showered. i've simply existed for the last 5 hours on what seems to be, from looking out the window, a nice day outside.

my roommate is singing something in german next door. he seems to be in a good mood.

i suppose i could be in a good mood had i done something productive, or if i do something producitve. like buy groceries, or write lesson plans. on second thought, i'm not in a bad mood. i'm just, in limbo. and i suppose i've been in limbo for the last few weeks now that i think about it. no overwhelmingly happy or sad or angry or content. i've just been "emotionally hangin". i've had no motivation to do anything producitve or counter-productive. and in a sense, some would say that doing nothing is counter productive , especially if being productive is something relatively time-sensitive. i don't have the motivation to support either argument.

and so i sit. and think. which i suppose could be something healthy for me to be doing. so often i'm just going, going, going, going. and when i'm not going, i'm tired, wanting to sleep, or stressing about where i should be going. i dunno. i wouldn't have the motivation to write this blog if it wasn't sitting at my fingertips.

often, on here, i want to talk about momo. a while ago we decided to bring an end to our relationship and try to save our friendship. and everytime i bring myself to write about it, i don't. i come up with something else to write about, or some other topic to explore (like the one with the news headlines about 4 blogs back). and i have chosen not to do so, because of the respect for her and our relationship as friends, because of the fragile nature that these types of situations tend to develope, and because of the expression i was never able to appropriately communicate. but people need to commmunicate. and the hardest type of thing to communicate is that which holds significance in ones life. more astuondingly, the most interesting thing for people to appercieve is that which is significant to another, if not themselves. i tried to devalue the situation between momo and myself in order to turn away from the apparent reality that i had lost her, as mutual of an agreement as it was. i tried to stomach it, as i tend to do so many things of significance, and act as though i was not affected. as though i was the same. not that i ignored my feelings, or was uncognizant of the situation. but, i diluted the fact that i am now alone.

and hindsight, this is the first time i've been alone in a long time. i know it, she knows it, and a number of other people know it and unianimously agree, that i should be for a while. for the sole reason being that i haven't been alone. so much of what i've done over the last few years, has been for the sake and purpose of someone else. places i've been. things that i've seen. movies, plays, music, gifts, books, food, trips, clothes, experiences, time, energy, money, faith, ideas, and that which cannot be captured by word, picture, or sound. that which can only be felt. only be lived. only be glimpsed by soul. i've only done it for others. so that i could share it with those. that, which i have wanted for myself, i have wanted to have with those. with Her.

and now there is no Her. that which has almost always been my motivation is not there. for the Her that has been my reason for doing so much of what i have ever done, there is nothing. no one to take into consideration. no one to take into mind. no one to consider. and it's new. i'm hesistant and apprehensive to embark on it, and even somewhat afraid. i write about this now because i am beginning to realize the reality of it. it started over holiday break and has continued now that i am back in my new home - i do not feel the desire to fill the void. at first i thought it was because i had the flu. but no, i don't want anyone right now. it's as much a choice as it is a circumstance. and that's a hard pill to swallow. no poetics, no linguistic backflips or cartwheels. as naked and basic as i can speak to myself, i am alone.

and now it's 4:50pm and my feet are still cold.
have a nice day.