you mean, i don't have to?

a while ago, i had an argument with momo and b-packer (shoutout) about the concept of "no". and in a nutshell, i was just stating that people ignorantly ask questions without anticipating the answer "no", and moreso, people reserve the right to just let it be "no." period! no excuses. no reason. just no. let's take this scenario...

"excuse me, may i please sit there?"
"oh, yes you may"
"why, thank you. you are such a gentleman."
"oh, you're quite welcome. enjoy your grapes ma'am."

did you see that? did you see how she didn't ask why. how she didn't ask for a reason or cause as to why she could get that seat?! no one ever ask "why" when things go their way. no one ever wants to know the reason why everything is going alright. we all just assume that things should be going the way we want. but when things go wrong, we instantly think it's karma or some shit. we think that we're being punished, or that someone is picking on us from above. we, as ignorant human beings, feel as though we need to have a reason for the negative. lets take this scenario...

"excuse me, may i please sit there?"
"no"
"but sir, i'm old and tired, may i please sit down there?"
"no, leave me alone"
"but sir, i don't understand, i really need to sit down. you look fit and healthy, i..."
"look! fuck off lady!! and get those damn grapes out my face!"

and then somebody gets arrested.

sorry. that was actually a tangent. the real reason i sat here just now was because i've been apartment hunting this week and have been feeling the pressure of having to know when to say yes. and i've seen some nice places. the really nice place, though, was today. i mean, it had everything i needed. space. location. safety. cost. everything was just right. it was a warm jacket, a puzzle piece, a snug condom. it was a soul mate. it just fit. that was before my broker told me that i had to pay a double brokers fee because it was private property. as i understand it, something about the building being property means that the building has a broker and i have a broker, so both need to get paid. by me. that, plus the 1st months rent and secruity deposite. so in a nutshell, i have to pay $4180 to move into a nice apartment that will cost me $1100 a month to live in.

it's ridiculous when you think about it. that sad part though, is that i didn't do that. i didn't think about it. i got excited and signed some papers and said some things i didn't mean and, well...i was about three steps away from going to BankOfAmerica to take out a home loan for a new york apartment. then i spoke to my dad - and he dropped the bomb on me. after speaking with him for a while, he simply said, ""reggie, i want you to learn, as you go through live, that you don't have to do everything you can do, sometimes you just have to realize what you just aren't able to feasibly accomplish." and he's right. there is a stark difference between what i can do, and what i'm able to do. i can take out a loan for this apartment, i can sleep on the floor for a few months until i can afford an air mattress, i can live off of peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches until 2006...but why? just as easily as i can make my live hell, i can just not do it. because the reality it - i'm not able to make that jump right now.

maybe it doesn't seem like that much of a lightbulb for some, but for anyone that tries to live life by doing things just because they can - this is heavy shit. when my dad told me that line, i sat and thought about all the things i've done in my life for the sole reason being that i just could. getting with a girl. breaking up with a girl. taking a job. leaving a job. moving to another city. my first car. my college. any office i've ever run for. most purchases.

i've lived most of my life shrugging my shoulders and saying "why not".
i'm excited by the knowledge that i am to change that philosophy.