buried in life

what of an utter and complete collapse into life. to allow yourself to be buried into the change that has beeen pulling you away from what you used to be. to permit yourself to be turned over into the flow of existence.

i'm sorry, i'm not being hypothetical. this is quite the reality of things. or reality as i see it. seriously, what of fully embracing and sacrificing yourself to the nature of your own being. to stop trying to control the essence of your very life. to become an object in your own destiny.

over the last few months, i have felt trapped by the limits of my own conscious actions. how i have tried to manipulate and discipline myself in order to have what i want out of life. how i have tried to balance everything, just to drop it all. and then, after writing "you mean, i don't have to", i stopped. i made the conscious decision to take a break from the drivers seat and coast down life for a while. i dunno, it's difficult to put into words. it's even difficult putting this into an analogy, and i love analogies.

i guess what i'm trying to ponder is - why is there an internal need to be in control of things? when was it decided that going with the flow was unnatural and wrong?

i understand it to a certain degree though. in philsophy 101 at morehouse, we studied socrates for a while. and socrates is a heavy dude, check him out when you can. in one argument, he was tackling the philosophy of laws and regulations, stating that we create laws not for the benefit and safety of others, but essentially for ourselves. furthermore, we not only create them for the sake of ourselves, but also follow them for the sake of ourselves. for instance, we, as a society, don't go around and kill one another haphazardly, because if the mentality spread to the masses it would endanger our own loved ones. so, in a nutshell, we follow rules as a unified agreement in our own culture so that we can ensure safety of ourselves and our loved ones.

those sent to jail aren't sent because they broke a law, they are sent because they broke an agreement.

forgive the tangent. i digress. i brought that up to say that i understand the notion of being in control of ones live to a certain extent. based on the beliefs of socrates, it may be safe to assume that if all went on the flow of life, verses being in control, our cultural strucutre may be broken down and the very fabric that our society is built on may be torn. this though, is a case of simple misunderstanding. by the flow of life, i do not mean going to work when you feel like it, or going out on the street naked at your leisure. no, thats being careless.

by the flow of life, i mean a spiritual intactness with ones self so that they are guided not by what is deemed right, wrong, just, unjust, fair, or smart - but by the sole feeling that it is something that has to be done.

but like i said, it's a difficult idea to communicate. i know i was all over the place on that one. if i lost anyone, find solace in the fact that i've lost myself.